Christmas Cracker Jokes

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Christmas Cracker Jokes

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!

What does Her Majesty use when she’s got a cold?
Queenex.

What do you need to celebrate Christmas Day on Mount Everest?
Santa’s little Sherpa.

What’s Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.

If I’m standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what’s on my right hand?
Fingers!

Why did Santa quit smoking?
Because it was bad for his elf.

What did Santa get Kate Middleton for Christmas?
Royal Families – and How To Survive Them!

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn’t get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn’t raining!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn’t chicken!

What goes ha ha ha clonk?
A man laughing his head off.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!

What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got little legs.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer.

Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!

Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots!

Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep loosing their needles!

What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!

How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney?
He uses a ladder in the stocking!

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ‘ho ho ho’

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

Why is a foot a good Christmas present?
It makes a great stocking filler!

How does an Eskimo fix his house?
Igloos it together!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

What do you call it when a bunch of sheep roll down a hill?
A lambslide.

Why shouldn’t you play Scrabble in a wind-tunnel?
Because someone could lose an “I”.

Why won’t we have calendars in the future?
Because their days are numbered.

Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I’m a liar!
Doctor: I don’t believe you!

Why shouldn’t you have a barbeque on the roof?
Because the steaks are too high.

Why is it so hard to take a blood sample?
Because you’re always searching in vein.

Why should you never try to make a three-level wedding cake?
Because it always ends in tiers.

What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
They combed the area!

What do you get hanging from Father Christmas’ roof?
Tired arms!

How do you start a polar-bear race?
Say ‘Ready! Teddy! Go!’

How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!

Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off!
Waiter: Off? Where to?

Which animal should you not play cards with?
A cheetah!

Why is Europe like a frying pan? 
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

What did the Policeman say to the stomach?
You’re under a vest!

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn’t concentrate.

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

What bee can never be understood?
A mumble-bee.

Did you hear about the leopard who had a bath every day?
He’s spotless!

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner.

What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking.

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He’s a fun guy to be with.

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What’s an Ig?
An ice-house without a toilet.

What did Mary Poppins want from Santa?
Supercalifragilisticexpialisnowshoes.

Why are there only 25 letters in Santa’s alphabet?
Because Christmas has “no-el”

Who never eats at Xmas?
The turkey, because it’s stuffed.

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.

What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake!

On which side do chickens have most feathers?
On the outside!

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea?
One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

What lives in the North Pole and is loved by dentists?
A molar bear!

What do you call a blind reindeer?
No eye deer.

What do you call a blind reindeer with no legs?
Still no eye dear.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!

Why did the mushroom leave the party?
Cuz there wasn’t mushroom!

Gold walks into a bar
Barman says “AU get out!”

What do you call a boomarang that doesnt come back?
A stick!!

Whats the difference between a snow man and snow woman?
Snow balls!

What’s the music capital of America?
Sanfran-disco!

What do whales eat when they are hungry?
Fish and Ships!santa

What is Rudolph’s favourite day of the year?
Red Nose Day!

I bought my mother-in-law a jaguar.
It ripped her to shreds when she opened the garage door!